Imagine Ancient Athens
Ah, 2020. It’s election year! And the presidential campaigns are already well under way. All this democracy sure gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside. Or maybe that’s an oncoming fever. Come to think of it, my roommate just visited China…
Okay, let’s think about something else. I haven’t thought about ancient history in a while. When I was a kid, I used to love dressing in a bedsheet toga and pretending I lived in Ancient Athens. It was a delightful indulgence. I think I’ll brush off my history books and engage in some healthy educational escapism…
Imagine Ancient Athens. You might have studied it in grade school. If not, you probably saw it in a couple of movies. Shouldn’t be too complicated, whether you’re a historian or not. But here’s a quick summary based on my memories of sixth grade history in the United States of Not-Greece.
Imagine Athens, a city-state of ancient Greece. The birthplace of a new innovation in large-scale social control: Democracy. Instead of a single king or tyrant or emperor, they were ruled by equal distribution of authority among male land-owning citizens, since they’re the only demographic who have a chance of overthrowing a king anyway. They voted on things. Major questions like “will we go to war with Persia?” could be decided via majority rule. Pretty neat, huh? Surely this was a morally superior state to the surrounding lands, who still ruled via antiquated systems like “Monarchy” or “Anarchism.” I mean, seriously, imagine a modern country that still has kings and princes!
Freedom of thought and expression also lead to the growth of Philosophy, a new invention in the field of Sounding Smart to Rich People. Dissident, heretical new ideas by academics in long robes who then inspire droves of young men to question the authority of the government. So, naturally, we have to kill those philosophers. But don’t kill the guy who wrote a book about government being a good thing, actually. He’s good for press.
And besides, the philosophers are hypocrites anyway if they criticize the system, because they live in a society with slaves! Some of them may have even had slaves themselves! And then they turn around and tell the children of fine, upright citizens to question the authority of the state? I mean, of all the nerve. They’re living in the most progressive, most civilized city-state in all of Greece and they’re not satisfied with just having a vote. Well! They should be happy they have a vote! If they had been born in Sparta, they would not. And the immigrants? Well, they don’t deserve a vote. They aren’t from here. And they certainly benefit from being able to live in such a prosperous and advanced city as Athens! It’s by our generosity that they live as well as they do.
And the slaves? Yes, their lot is certainly not to be envied, but it could be much worse. I was just in the Agora the other day, and this trader had just come in from Persia, and he brought books. One was a slave-driver’s manual — you wouldn’t believe how brutal it was! It’s utterly disgraceful how those barbarians treat their slaves. You have to doubt the humanity of a man who would treat his fellow men in any such way. I shudder to think what might happen to our beautiful city if she should fall to that monstrous empire.
So as I was saying, I’m glad the bloody bastard got the hemlock. I’ve been saying he’s a trouble maker right from the start. Asking all those stupid questions. “Wisest man in all of Greece” my ass. He said himself, he knows nothing!
Oh and don’t get me started on Diogenes. What a trainwreck. Smells like a dog who rolled in the latrine and then got into the chicken coop. How he got anyone to sit near him long enough to be his student, I’ll never know. Kids these days. Absolutely no breeding.
What was that? Oh, yes, I will be going to the Bacchanal! Will you help me tie my toga? Yes, I know it’s coming off later, but I like to look good when I walk out the door at least…
